A penny for your thoughts...

Another random post about a few things - first up, I'm not so crazy anymore (Thank God!), second of all - I can control my thoughts now by silencing it all up with music (not so great), and third - I'm wishing I have a fun life.

I'm probably the most boring person on Earth - I only have maybe a few friends whom I usually get in contact with (one bff where I'm currently residing and another back in my original hometown). Yes, I feel blessed with their presence because who would I be without them? The rest on my friends' list were all schoolmates, and I regret it that we all drifted apart against time. Seriously, I can't imagine how my life would be like without any social contact at all. After all, humans are made to reach out to one another and have other people in their life no matter how solitary a life it may be.

I could be the worst possible girlfriend to any guys out there - so far I have never dated anyone. BUT, if I ever did managed to secure a day for a "date" I'd probably end up ditching the date altogether because I'm too afraid to show up looking like how I am. I can't get on good terms with myself because I can't get past the negative thoughts drummed into me since I was a child. Comparison is like poison to me. 

Taking two weeks ago into perspective - actually, the craze for Billy began before my brother went back to Tasmania in February. It means that I've been cheating in my thoughts for Jack R (another imaginary boyfriend :p). So far, I only got 3 consecutive dreams of Bill for 3 nights in a row before they all vanish altogether. There's just no explaining why or how I could be so crazy into Billy or Jack. I don't dream of Billy anymore, and neither do I dream of Jack as well. It seems that I cocooned myself from all thoughts of them because I know I won't be able to have them in my real life :( Rather than spoil my life fawning over them, I have to let them go - as what I always do to others that I... Nobody cares if I cried my heart out. Nobody listens to my heart.

A few days ago, on the edge of reason and turmoil from another string of negative mental attacks, I felt that same familiar voice who told me that there's someone better for me out there. I was thinking of how lacking I was in my looks compared to my beautiful cousins, friends and my sis - I said to myself I endure all this pain with patience - when the voice told me "Your beauties". Enduring all this with patience is my beauty? Who knew that beauty goes further than just looks? Hidden maybe, like a treasure to be searched and uncovered.

Now, I'm facing another dilemma - Should I go there at the end of this month just to satisfy my heart to see him? When I needed to forget these feelings, something, someone or just plain old serendipity would just pull me back to him and the craze begins all over again...Zzzzz... Maybe it's not my time yet to forget him.

Sometimes, in my most macabre thoughts I often wish that I was dying. Dying seem to be a sweet escape from emotional turmoil. Better now when I'm single than when I have a family of my own. I'd rather not have anyone that I love being put into great agony over my passing. Could anyone really die of heartbreak? I haven't seen it done before except for the thing called suicide. Suicide is definitely out of the question :-p

Looks like I just have to ride out this storm. You - you're my ONE and ONLY thrill at the moment HAH!! :-p

Another Collection of Heartbreak

Come join me in heartbreak,
One after another,
Walking alone day by day,
Walking through the fire.


Release me from pain,
Release me from hurt,
Don't wanna go through that again,
I need you out of my blood.


I wished that I was dead long before I met you,
So I'd be spared the heartache of losing you,
I'd rather not be born into this world,
If I'd know it would be so cruel.


Cut my heart open now,
Slowly, letting me bleed killing me alive,
Feel the death of eternal pain,
Leaving me empty, hollow and numb.

Falling for the wrong guy

It is a lonely walk when one is always trying to be different. Most of the time, this is how she feels. Recently, she knew that she had in fact fallen - again - in love. Or is it just another massive crush, like the others? For the past two weeks or so, the feelings started all over again. Over taking her by surprise, slamming her heartbeat all around, and making her blush like a giddy schoolgirl whenever she sees a picture or just the very mention of the name.


Indeed, he is a beautiful man. A child compared to her years, yet, a man nonetheless. Four years younger than herself, but possessing a certain wisdom in him. It had been his wisdom which intrigued her in the first place - not just the mere human shell he was wrapped in and presented in this world. His looks were a bonus.

And she writes a heartfelt note for the boys who had given her the desire to begin writing again:

Liebe Jungen, wünsche ich Ihnen meine ganze Liebe von diesem Teil der Welt. Ich hoffe, dass wir uns eines Tages treffen und dass wir große Freunde werden können. Fürs Erste kann ich Ihnen meine einfache Freundschaft nur anbieten. Mit meinem ganzem Herzen und Seele gebe ich Ihnen meinen Segen in der Musik. Liebe, Rachel.

It said:
Dear boys, I wish you all my love from this part of the world. I hope that we will meet someday, and that we can become great friends. For now, I can only offer you my simple friendship. With all my heart and soul, I give you my blessings in music. Love, Rachel.

Hunting for Haunts

My life is a series of never ending stories; just waiting to be published. I've disappeared for a long time from this blogging world. Nothing seems interesting anymore - the constipated weather, the bad news constantly blaring out of the media, the same mundane work everyday and etc...

Gossips are as what most gossips are like - fast spreading and ill fated. It isn't a wonder their lifespan is short. I wonder if I could turn out that story into another one of my fairytale-like narration. What would the moral of the story be like? I'd hate to see one blank page go to waste on some random talk of mindless delirium. On what, I have no idea. Ramblings mostly. Here's an interesting thought after last night.

Last night's talk with a close family friend and my siblings sent chills in the night air as we stood outside the house at the entrance of the gate as the party continued inside the house without noticing our small group's disappearance. Four of us - myself, Bea, Tim and Nessie began our tales of real hauntings.

Story number One: There is a house reportedly haunted in a neighborhood just a little over the other side of town where my siblings and I had went at about 10pm a month ago. Rumors has it that a family of five had been murdered in the house in this particular room which was known as the "Red Room" because of the bloody incident. As we passed by the house that night, there was an unpleasant vibe in the air as if the air itself is deprived of oxygen - a choking feeling that makes you ill. In the house itself, a huge Buddha statue stood out in the middle of the empty room. Beside it, a bell dangled to the right of it. Every evening, the lights would be switched on in the house and switched off again at midnight. Things are eerie after passing the midnight hours. The strange candle lights from the "Red Room" flickering its eerie glow would make anyone thinking of trespassing into the house think twice before doing so.

Story number Two: A house in the middle of the city, in a rich neighborhood stood out a mystery. The mystery surrounding how it happened and who the culprit is has not been solved until now - a little over 20 years later. They said a doctor lived in this house where he was found murdered - seated at the dinner table with food untouched, no signs of struggles and a knife embedded in the middle of the skull. In a spontaneous and recklessly brave decision, a group of friends and I decided to pass by the remnants of the house which had been fenced in by the city municipal council with zinc. It was still early - 9pm, but the road was dark except for scattered lamp posts. Being the rear passenger, I got to see many things compared to the driver whose job was supposed to be driving the group there and out without any incidents. We drove by slowly as the driver told us about the house and which one it was. Huge tall trees had already taken root within the house compounds and there was not much light for us to see anything else other than trees. As we drove up a small hill, the engine of the car nearly stalled. Lucky for us, my friend was able to start the engine again and we moved off into the safety of the city lights.

Story number Three: A villa in Matang - where the rich are. There was a robbery that took place within that house and which killed the whole family living there. Witnesses saw apparitions in the grounds and small baby-like imps around the house. Bea was driving down that road passing by the haunted villa to visit her friend who was living in that area. There were streetlamps lighting down that road, but on that evening, the lights were out for no particular reason. She was driving along that road at a little after 9pm alone in her car as she was passing by that house. A strange chill sent goosebumps prickling her skin all over and she was praying as hard as she could to get over her fears that she was literally shaking all over.

Story number Four: A skeletal remain of a house that was burnt to the grounds in a fire that killed a whole family in the middle of the night. Jacq (Bea's older sister) was on her way home after a Christmas gathering with her ex after midnight. They were passing by an old bridge when the car they were traveling in stalled. Her ex was trying very hard to start the engine but it wouldn't start. That was when she saw a black shape in the distance from her side mirror crawling very fast on all fours. She thought it was a huge dog, but judging by the way it was crawling she did not think so. Jacq told her ex about it and he was frantic now trying to start the engine. What made her turn could be purely on instinct, but the black figure was right outside her window. Fortunately, their car restarted and they managed to leave. The next day, Jacq called her friend asking about the area and told her friend what happened last night. Her friend told her that not too long ago, there was a family who lived in a house not far from the bridge where their car had stalled. The house was razed to the ground in a fire and there were no survivors. People passing by the area sometimes would see the black figure crawling across the road as if asking for help.

Story number Five: National Service Camp. Bea told us she was sleeping with a blindfold on as she usually does in case she wakes up in the middle of the night at an ungodly hour and stared into something she wished not to see. It was 3am and what she saw startled her. There were footsteps echoing in the dorm and she heard the metal lockers being rattled one by one. It was definitely not human because there would be a pause before the culprit moved onto the next one and so on. The speed at the lockers being rattled on was consistent as if something just passed by it. She was not the only one who had seen it happen that night - another student saw it happen too a few beds away to the end of the dorm. Other than both of them, none of the others heard anything that night.

Those were at least five stories that we shared last night during our nice chat whiling away our time outside the house in the cool night air. At least it beats sitting around inside the house thinking of nothing but the time and when will the party end. Makes you wonder if the world is really where heaven is...

This is my story...

Rachel felt lifeless at work today. The sinking feeling of depression had finally taken control of her physical being, draining her of her energy. There should be a spring in her step today because her boss would not be in the office - business meeting in another district - but even that could not cheer her up. Instead, she felt a bitter resentment towards everything and almost everyone that she felt cynical about herself for being able to laugh at all the jokes her best friend was throwing at her while they chatted on MSN.

Her fingers tapped across the keyboard making out a fine line of words into sentences, and she closed her tired eyes for a moment. She could feel the tears starting to well in the back of her eyes, and ignored the bout of sadness in her. It had started this morning on the way returning from her daily errands of sending her sister to school and her mom to work. A silent thought suppressed in the back of her mind had taken her by surprise. You're twenty four this year, the voice in her head reminded her. Yeah, I know, she replied to herself. He's turning 29 at the end of this year, the voice said again. Rachel fell silent. Why is it so difficult to forget things that have never happened? We never went out with one another, and we definitely have never shared a laugh together. But why all this sadness?

The obsession is just a part of her memory of him. He had been the first wonderful person she had ever encountered. Alas, when she did finally get a chance to get to know him well enough, he was as cold as the frozen north. She wished she was wiser then to leave that high school girl crush behind and be mature enough to face the world. Face the world she did - but never to come to terms with her feelings she had for him back then. Now, it came back to haunt her and she actually cursed the day she met him in the room full of eager young music students in which they shared the same class only to find out again that he had been in the wrong class.

That was the end of the first meeting - no words spoken to each other, just a look and nothing more...

Rachel snapped back to reality and started to wander in the realm of her solace - the cyber world where she could find anything she wanted to and do almost whatever she wanted to as long as it's nothing illegal. Youtube...ugh...Hey wait, I've always wanted to look into that anime story, she muttered to herself. Opening up another tab, she typed into the search engine - Jackson Rathbone - and clicked on the header containing an interview with Gabrielle Long from Examiner, based in New York.

I hope this will hurt me more than when I think about Al - she stopped herself from completing his name in her mind. She takes one deep breath and started reading. The title of the article made her smile wryly. Jackson Rathbone talks women, cheating and how to seal the deal for a second date with him! Rachel gave out a small laugh. What the heck. Just for fun, she thinks to herself and starts reading...

He likes a woman who loves art, adventurous (breaking into a zoo after hours? seriously?), midnight jam at the beach with a bonfire and friends and whisky, and someone who's definitely NOT clingy. Jackson notices women who carries themselves well. Ideal first date being taking her out alone and back to his band's house for a jamming session (if she could jam with them). Thinks that cheating is out of the picture and wants sincerity and honesty in his relationships.

One sentence jumped out at her - "I won't even consider flirting with a woman unless she is completely single." There's more -

He likes a woman who stays true to herself, and thinks that the most important part in a relationship is sincerity, honesty and a healthy sexual attraction. Attracted to a woman's eyes and smiles - surprise, surprise. I said that too when I was fresh out of high school. WHOA!!! Likes natural looking women, but extremely attracted to punk rock looking girls. Last but not least - he has no special preference in women except for being "just right" in her height.

At the end of the article, Rachel felt that he is just simply too good to be true. She fits into all the categories that he described about his dream girl, but she cringed when she read that part about height. There was nothing she could do with her small frame and petite size. After all, aren't all Asian women petite with the body size of a fifteen year old? She guesses that Jackson's type only caters for American born women. There are many of us sincere women out there but no one ever notices us. That's how she knows these talks by some celebrities showing the perfect part of themselves are mostly bull-shenanigans! And she loathed them more...

Dying to change

Times have changed as the years passed. Another minute older and every second ticks by. Have you ever felt like you haven't done enough on your part as a person in this life? Have you ever felt like the only thing you contribute to in this life is your waste and pollution? I hate it when I begin to think this way.

A little sidetracking here- been feeling down since 2 weeks ago, and now feeling much better. If it persists, I might need to seek help. My only concern is this obsession since end of May. It's now July, and beginning to wan already - THANK GOD...This nameless face kept popping in my dreams from time to time.

One of Life's Little Choices...

Most things are not meant to be. It just takes a while to figure out. Ouch, it hurts but that's the way life is. Either you take it or leave it. Bla..bla..bla...

I guess for the time being, I chose being single as the best option available for the moment. Spent last weekend at the old hometown for Chinese New Year as customary, and this time there's talk in our small town. Can't keep tongues from wagging unfortunately. A cousin of mine just got engaged a couple of weeks back and most of us were kept in the dark about it. There were no invitations or phone calls saying that they are getting engaged and to attend a celebration dinner or something like that. The weird thing is - there was no reason for her to hide her engagement.

When her grandma found out whom she's getting engaged to, her grandma was kinda disappointed with her for choosing an unsuitable person because he's not working yet and also there's his health problems. And because my cousin is "The Golden Child's" daughter, my grandma was so in a hurry to meet her "husband to be". This all happened when we went visiting a cousin's house during the Chinese New Year celebration. No one actually wanted to follow grandma to meet our cousin's husband because we felt that the poor fellow might not feel comfortable being visited by a throng of strangers. The guys sent her there and they got stranded there while waiting for our car to pick up grandma. It was while we were on the way to my cousin's in law's place that the ladies start to wag their tongue.

First of all, I heard from my uncle that he actually talked to my cousin in the kitchen before leaving for our hometown that he thinks she's still too young to get married. Then, my grandma and aunt spilled forth their thoughts by saying she could have chosen someone better than that guy because he has many ailments and also because he's not from a well-off family. To top it off, two cousins of mine were saying the same thing that she would regret marrying the guy because she's used to living in comfort.

The more I listen to them talking about my cousin, I got more and more agitated. It annoyed me so much - getting married because you love the guy/girl is not enough to placate the gossip mongers in town. It must be a perfect match financially at the same time. So they're just about to start a new life together. And life's not necessarily short. Everyone has a chance to build themselves up the social ladder given time and opportunity.

I hate these materialistic thinking that people from the old countryside has. Everything seems to be revolved around money. If someone marries for money to a guy who's let's say~~ more than 10 years older than the girl, she will be dubbed as a gold digger. Someone who wants to be rich instantly. I hated the fact that they have a certain expectation for their son-in-law. Do they really think that being rich brings happiness? Don't they realize that for everything that has it's ups, there's definitely an aspect where it lacked? Nothing's perfect...

I'm glad I chose not to get married. I choose to be single because there's no such thing as a perfect guy for me. Yes, I did have a mental picture of what kinda person I'm looking for but it's just a waste of my time if the person is not approved by "the counsel of wagging tongues". I'm not competing against my cousins on who can find the best looking and financially sufficient spouse. Even now, with all my cousins who have boyfriends and girlfriends - they're being judged and scrutinized by "the counsel" till they're feuding amongst themselves. POINTLESS!!!