Dinner at Basaga...

Last night, had dinner with my family - mom, dad, my sister and myself - at Basaga, celebrating my sister's 20th birthday. It's this really WOW place in the middle of town - an old colonial like house converted into a restaurant. Great for private family dinners, hanging out with friends for a cocktail drink or just a romantic dinner for two under the canopy of shady trees and the stars (IF it doesn't rain of course). Music was a bit off for my mood as they had on Latin American music on. I resorted to correcting that by listening to my own music on my mp3 player - Kau Ilhamku by Man Bai, Belaian Jiwa by Innuendo and some other soothing music sounded really great in that setting.

We sat in the corner, on a raised platform where the koi pond runs beneath us. Bad choice of wearing heels as my heels constantly gets itself stuck in between the cracks. Yikes!! 

Food was great! I noticed that they have quite a selection of cocktail drinks, and ONE of the drink made me and my sister giggle - I bet dad knows what we're giggling at. Since we agreed not to get tipsy tonight, my sis had a Coke while I chose the not-so-famous Sprite. Mom ordered the same drinks, while dad had his Green Tea. Zzz... For dinner, dad chose to have steak while sis ordered her usual Lamb chops. Mom had an assortment of sausages with fries on the side. I just ordered something plain and simple - Spaghetti Carbonara - YUM!!!!!!! Somehow, I just had to have pasta last night for dinner.

I was just lost during dinner - not there at Basaga, but a thousand miles away it seems. There were no conversations at the table, just me and music plugged in my ears. When someone asks me a question, I would have to pull my earpiece out just to make out what they were asking or saying. Other than that, I'd rather not notice. I wasn't feeling resentful towards anything or anyone, but I just needed to be alone in my own world for a while. 

These past few days, I've been adopting a lot of 'Bujang Bajik's' characteristics which I have never done before. Not on purpose, but subconsciously. Most of his likes, dislikes and clumsiness. On that note, I've been bruised multiple times as I knocked myself accidentally on walls, or my desk. It's making me clumsy, and I'm usually graceful when it comes to carrying myself in public - something that I've been working at hard for years now. Zzzz...

I'm Only Human

I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human...

A penny for your thoughts...

Another random post about a few things - first up, I'm not so crazy anymore (Thank God!), second of all - I can control my thoughts now by silencing it all up with music (not so great), and third - I'm wishing I have a fun life.

I'm probably the most boring person on Earth - I only have maybe a few friends whom I usually get in contact with (one bff where I'm currently residing and another back in my original hometown). Yes, I feel blessed with their presence because who would I be without them? The rest on my friends' list were all schoolmates, and I regret it that we all drifted apart against time. Seriously, I can't imagine how my life would be like without any social contact at all. After all, humans are made to reach out to one another and have other people in their life no matter how solitary a life it may be.

I could be the worst possible girlfriend to any guys out there - so far I have never dated anyone. BUT, if I ever did managed to secure a day for a "date" I'd probably end up ditching the date altogether because I'm too afraid to show up looking like how I am. I can't get on good terms with myself because I can't get past the negative thoughts drummed into me since I was a child. Comparison is like poison to me. 

Taking two weeks ago into perspective - actually, the craze for Billy began before my brother went back to Tasmania in February. It means that I've been cheating in my thoughts for Jack R (another imaginary boyfriend :p). So far, I only got 3 consecutive dreams of Bill for 3 nights in a row before they all vanish altogether. There's just no explaining why or how I could be so crazy into Billy or Jack. I don't dream of Billy anymore, and neither do I dream of Jack as well. It seems that I cocooned myself from all thoughts of them because I know I won't be able to have them in my real life :( Rather than spoil my life fawning over them, I have to let them go - as what I always do to others that I... Nobody cares if I cried my heart out. Nobody listens to my heart.

A few days ago, on the edge of reason and turmoil from another string of negative mental attacks, I felt that same familiar voice who told me that there's someone better for me out there. I was thinking of how lacking I was in my looks compared to my beautiful cousins, friends and my sis - I said to myself I endure all this pain with patience - when the voice told me "Your beauties". Enduring all this with patience is my beauty? Who knew that beauty goes further than just looks? Hidden maybe, like a treasure to be searched and uncovered.

Now, I'm facing another dilemma - Should I go there at the end of this month just to satisfy my heart to see him? When I needed to forget these feelings, something, someone or just plain old serendipity would just pull me back to him and the craze begins all over again...Zzzzz... Maybe it's not my time yet to forget him.

Sometimes, in my most macabre thoughts I often wish that I was dying. Dying seem to be a sweet escape from emotional turmoil. Better now when I'm single than when I have a family of my own. I'd rather not have anyone that I love being put into great agony over my passing. Could anyone really die of heartbreak? I haven't seen it done before except for the thing called suicide. Suicide is definitely out of the question :-p

Looks like I just have to ride out this storm. You - you're my ONE and ONLY thrill at the moment HAH!! :-p

Another Collection of Heartbreak

Come join me in heartbreak,
One after another,
Walking alone day by day,
Walking through the fire.


Release me from pain,
Release me from hurt,
Don't wanna go through that again,
I need you out of my blood.


I wished that I was dead long before I met you,
So I'd be spared the heartache of losing you,
I'd rather not be born into this world,
If I'd know it would be so cruel.


Cut my heart open now,
Slowly, letting me bleed killing me alive,
Feel the death of eternal pain,
Leaving me empty, hollow and numb.

This is my story...

Rachel felt lifeless at work today. The sinking feeling of depression had finally taken control of her physical being, draining her of her energy. There should be a spring in her step today because her boss would not be in the office - business meeting in another district - but even that could not cheer her up. Instead, she felt a bitter resentment towards everything and almost everyone that she felt cynical about herself for being able to laugh at all the jokes her best friend was throwing at her while they chatted on MSN.

Her fingers tapped across the keyboard making out a fine line of words into sentences, and she closed her tired eyes for a moment. She could feel the tears starting to well in the back of her eyes, and ignored the bout of sadness in her. It had started this morning on the way returning from her daily errands of sending her sister to school and her mom to work. A silent thought suppressed in the back of her mind had taken her by surprise. You're twenty four this year, the voice in her head reminded her. Yeah, I know, she replied to herself. He's turning 29 at the end of this year, the voice said again. Rachel fell silent. Why is it so difficult to forget things that have never happened? We never went out with one another, and we definitely have never shared a laugh together. But why all this sadness?

The obsession is just a part of her memory of him. He had been the first wonderful person she had ever encountered. Alas, when she did finally get a chance to get to know him well enough, he was as cold as the frozen north. She wished she was wiser then to leave that high school girl crush behind and be mature enough to face the world. Face the world she did - but never to come to terms with her feelings she had for him back then. Now, it came back to haunt her and she actually cursed the day she met him in the room full of eager young music students in which they shared the same class only to find out again that he had been in the wrong class.

That was the end of the first meeting - no words spoken to each other, just a look and nothing more...

Rachel snapped back to reality and started to wander in the realm of her solace - the cyber world where she could find anything she wanted to and do almost whatever she wanted to as long as it's nothing illegal. Youtube...ugh...Hey wait, I've always wanted to look into that anime story, she muttered to herself. Opening up another tab, she typed into the search engine - Jackson Rathbone - and clicked on the header containing an interview with Gabrielle Long from Examiner, based in New York.

I hope this will hurt me more than when I think about Al - she stopped herself from completing his name in her mind. She takes one deep breath and started reading. The title of the article made her smile wryly. Jackson Rathbone talks women, cheating and how to seal the deal for a second date with him! Rachel gave out a small laugh. What the heck. Just for fun, she thinks to herself and starts reading...

He likes a woman who loves art, adventurous (breaking into a zoo after hours? seriously?), midnight jam at the beach with a bonfire and friends and whisky, and someone who's definitely NOT clingy. Jackson notices women who carries themselves well. Ideal first date being taking her out alone and back to his band's house for a jamming session (if she could jam with them). Thinks that cheating is out of the picture and wants sincerity and honesty in his relationships.

One sentence jumped out at her - "I won't even consider flirting with a woman unless she is completely single." There's more -

He likes a woman who stays true to herself, and thinks that the most important part in a relationship is sincerity, honesty and a healthy sexual attraction. Attracted to a woman's eyes and smiles - surprise, surprise. I said that too when I was fresh out of high school. WHOA!!! Likes natural looking women, but extremely attracted to punk rock looking girls. Last but not least - he has no special preference in women except for being "just right" in her height.

At the end of the article, Rachel felt that he is just simply too good to be true. She fits into all the categories that he described about his dream girl, but she cringed when she read that part about height. There was nothing she could do with her small frame and petite size. After all, aren't all Asian women petite with the body size of a fifteen year old? She guesses that Jackson's type only caters for American born women. There are many of us sincere women out there but no one ever notices us. That's how she knows these talks by some celebrities showing the perfect part of themselves are mostly bull-shenanigans! And she loathed them more...

Dying to change

Times have changed as the years passed. Another minute older and every second ticks by. Have you ever felt like you haven't done enough on your part as a person in this life? Have you ever felt like the only thing you contribute to in this life is your waste and pollution? I hate it when I begin to think this way.

A little sidetracking here- been feeling down since 2 weeks ago, and now feeling much better. If it persists, I might need to seek help. My only concern is this obsession since end of May. It's now July, and beginning to wan already - THANK GOD...This nameless face kept popping in my dreams from time to time.

If Walls Could Keep Secrets...

Tossing and turning in bed, I'm eluded by slumber. It's now past midnight, I'm yawning yet my eyes are wide open. Heart racing, I pushed my blanket aside. The room is cold, yet I feel warm and tingly all over as I mulled over my decision.

I wanted so badly to tell him that I love him. I always have, and always will be in love with the idea of him. He's always been the one in my mind even though there have been others that strayed into my life. In the end, I still chose him over the others. 

Why do I feel this way whenever his birthday approaches? It's funny how I've abandoned the others but I still retain him in my heart in hopes that he would one day search for me. Pitiful of me, I know. I still hope for that dream to come true.

Will it? After I let slip away one possibility of a lifetime who could've been a potential boyfriend, will he come by? I've been haunted daily by the number of his license plate it's driving me to sheer madness driving around town knowing he would be lurking somewhere in the city. Yet, that feeling makes it all the more exciting with the possibility of meeting by chance. Oh, the racing pulse, sweaty palms, tongue tied, and butterflies in your stomach... I can't think when he's around me, and he knows it. Just that he's blind to notice the signs that I have a giddy crush on him.

Ten years worth of secret, three years of hiding it, a year of dreaming and two years of waiting.

Finally, I rested my head on my pillow and slumbered on as I made my decision.........

Gone, Baby Gone...

My one and only chance at love has probably gone out the window the moment I said he's not a special boyfriend. I felt guilty ever since I said that to Nick. We can not be more than friends because I don't want to hurt anyone in the process all over again. Now that I've come to think of it, he could have had special feelings for me then. I was torn between my feelings and my pride.