Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Frustrations

My first impression sucks. I may look like a heartless and snobby bitch to others on the outside, but overall, I'm still just a girl. A girl who has feelings for the world around her when it hits a weak spot. In truth, I'm scared of the world out there. Daddy's girl? Hardly, but he tries to shield his girls as best as he can.

Everyday now, as I went to work sending my dad to his office in the morning, he has been drumming into my head about being a supportive and understanding "wife" to my "future husband". Yesterday morning, he actually talked about his feelings on his sister marrying a younger man half her age. That was really frustrating - I know that the marriage won't last, I've told my aunt before when she was asking for my opinion, but if she doesn't want to take my advice on it, it's her decision to make. Dad mentioned that even if it were his siblings, if they're not acting correctly, he'll voice out what he thinks to "check and balance" his family. Then he moved directly to the dreaded topic - M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E. I was already on automatic snooze when he said the word "marry", but it hits a sensitive topic when he mentioned "Don't marry a younger man, just to score points." I'm like !!!!!!

Where did he get the notion that I'll marry a younger guy? FYI dad - I'm not dating anyone, nor have I ever been out with anyone before because of You and Mom! I respect the rules you implemented on me for the past 15 years where You said "No dating with boys when you're in school while you're under my roof." Guess what - You win! I'm on the losing end - both socially, and mentally. I can't win if You start comparing me with my cousins like you always do since I'm young. Why me? Why did you have to compare me with them? Why not the youngest? Why not your boy? And why is it only NOW that You're talking to me? For the past 3 years, I can't even talk to You without having to mention Your Boy's name in the conversation for You to answer me back with actual interest to the conversation. That's when I said FORGET IT. I actually gave up on SPEAKING to You ever since.

Now that You're speaking to me, I don't think I want to listen. I can't take back what I lost in life - TIME. Tell me if losing your youth is not worth crying over.








Friday, April 16, 2010

Come Take Me Away...

Here's something new that I'm trying to write. Currently, this is how I feel - what with all the turbulence at home and being caught on neutral grounds which happens to be in the middle of the crossfire. Dreaming of my imaginary prince coming to take me away...

~"Come Take Me Away"~ Lyrics by RaQueLa V.

Lost in my thoughts
I stare out the window
The world passes by
What do they know
They only see
The little girl me
Staring widely
While my heart bleeds

Talks around me
Feeding me poison
Little by little
My faith lay broken
We could run away
If you come here someday
Come take me away
Come take me away

*Chorus:
Take me away from here
Far away from here
Anywhere but here
Where it's just you and me
Just you and me
Where we belong

I shut my eyes
I see you there
Reaching out, I
Touch only air
You are mine
We could run away
If you come here someday
Come take me away

*Chorus

From this pain
From these lies
Never again
Can you hear me
Save me, come and take me away

Take me away from here
Far, far away from here
Anywhere else but here
Where it's just you and me
Just you and me
Where we belong
Finally...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Caught In the Middle...

Sometimes, I would wish I'm an immortal - no need to have food for sustenance. Thoughts of dying scares me sometimes, especially when you don't know what's life like beyond the living. 

Mom and dad are at it again - it began in the car yesterday on our way home from fetching dad from work. Luckily, both my sister and I have our own distractions. We plugged up and e-voided their arguments in the car by listening to music. I listened to my mp3 player while my sis listened to her own music through her iPod. They both have their own points which needed to be thought over.

They were still talking in loud voices when we reached home, so my sis and I hid in my room trying not to listen. When we could no longer take it, I took the car and spirited us away for awhile to the nearest place where we could have our dinner in peace - The Shopping Mall.That was where we stayed until I feel it was safe enough to go home.

I guess there's just no ending when it comes to this. People say things they don't mean at one point and they don't realize it. There's no taking back words though. It's not like you can undo what you said.


Sunday, April 11, 2010

A penny for your thoughts...

Another random post about a few things - first up, I'm not so crazy anymore (Thank God!), second of all - I can control my thoughts now by silencing it all up with music (not so great), and third - I'm wishing I have a fun life.

I'm probably the most boring person on Earth - I only have maybe a few friends whom I usually get in contact with (one bff where I'm currently residing and another back in my original hometown). Yes, I feel blessed with their presence because who would I be without them? The rest on my friends' list were all schoolmates, and I regret it that we all drifted apart against time. Seriously, I can't imagine how my life would be like without any social contact at all. After all, humans are made to reach out to one another and have other people in their life no matter how solitary a life it may be.

I could be the worst possible girlfriend to any guys out there - so far I have never dated anyone. BUT, if I ever did managed to secure a day for a "date" I'd probably end up ditching the date altogether because I'm too afraid to show up looking like how I am. I can't get on good terms with myself because I can't get past the negative thoughts drummed into me since I was a child. Comparison is like poison to me. 

Taking two weeks ago into perspective - actually, the craze for Billy began before my brother went back to Tasmania in February. It means that I've been cheating in my thoughts for Jack R (another imaginary boyfriend :p). So far, I only got 3 consecutive dreams of Bill for 3 nights in a row before they all vanish altogether. There's just no explaining why or how I could be so crazy into Billy or Jack. I don't dream of Billy anymore, and neither do I dream of Jack as well. It seems that I cocooned myself from all thoughts of them because I know I won't be able to have them in my real life :( Rather than spoil my life fawning over them, I have to let them go - as what I always do to others that I... Nobody cares if I cried my heart out. Nobody listens to my heart.

A few days ago, on the edge of reason and turmoil from another string of negative mental attacks, I felt that same familiar voice who told me that there's someone better for me out there. I was thinking of how lacking I was in my looks compared to my beautiful cousins, friends and my sis - I said to myself I endure all this pain with patience - when the voice told me "Your beauties". Enduring all this with patience is my beauty? Who knew that beauty goes further than just looks? Hidden maybe, like a treasure to be searched and uncovered.

Now, I'm facing another dilemma - Should I go there at the end of this month just to satisfy my heart to see him? When I needed to forget these feelings, something, someone or just plain old serendipity would just pull me back to him and the craze begins all over again...Zzzzz... Maybe it's not my time yet to forget him.

Sometimes, in my most macabre thoughts I often wish that I was dying. Dying seem to be a sweet escape from emotional turmoil. Better now when I'm single than when I have a family of my own. I'd rather not have anyone that I love being put into great agony over my passing. Could anyone really die of heartbreak? I haven't seen it done before except for the thing called suicide. Suicide is definitely out of the question :-p

Looks like I just have to ride out this storm. You - you're my ONE and ONLY thrill at the moment HAH!! :-p

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Another Collection of Heartbreak

Come join me in heartbreak,
One after another,
Walking alone day by day,
Walking through the fire.


Release me from pain,
Release me from hurt,
Don't wanna go through that again,
I need you out of my blood.


I wished that I was dead long before I met you,
So I'd be spared the heartache of losing you,
I'd rather not be born into this world,
If I'd know it would be so cruel.


Cut my heart open now,
Slowly, letting me bleed killing me alive,
Feel the death of eternal pain,
Leaving me empty, hollow and numb.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Falling for the wrong guy

It is a lonely walk when one is always trying to be different. Most of the time, this is how she feels. Recently, she knew that she had in fact fallen - again - in love. Or is it just another massive crush, like the others? For the past two weeks or so, the feelings started all over again. Over taking her by surprise, slamming her heartbeat all around, and making her blush like a giddy schoolgirl whenever she sees a picture or just the very mention of the name.


Indeed, he is a beautiful man. A child compared to her years, yet, a man nonetheless. Four years younger than herself, but possessing a certain wisdom in him. It had been his wisdom which intrigued her in the first place - not just the mere human shell he was wrapped in and presented in this world. His looks were a bonus.

And she writes a heartfelt note for the boys who had given her the desire to begin writing again:

Liebe Jungen, wünsche ich Ihnen meine ganze Liebe von diesem Teil der Welt. Ich hoffe, dass wir uns eines Tages treffen und dass wir große Freunde werden können. Fürs Erste kann ich Ihnen meine einfache Freundschaft nur anbieten. Mit meinem ganzem Herzen und Seele gebe ich Ihnen meinen Segen in der Musik. Liebe, Rachel.

It said:
Dear boys, I wish you all my love from this part of the world. I hope that we will meet someday, and that we can become great friends. For now, I can only offer you my simple friendship. With all my heart and soul, I give you my blessings in music. Love, Rachel.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Hunting for Haunts

My life is a series of never ending stories; just waiting to be published. I've disappeared for a long time from this blogging world. Nothing seems interesting anymore - the constipated weather, the bad news constantly blaring out of the media, the same mundane work everyday and etc...

Gossips are as what most gossips are like - fast spreading and ill fated. It isn't a wonder their lifespan is short. I wonder if I could turn out that story into another one of my fairytale-like narration. What would the moral of the story be like? I'd hate to see one blank page go to waste on some random talk of mindless delirium. On what, I have no idea. Ramblings mostly. Here's an interesting thought after last night.
Last night's talk with a close family friend and my siblings sent chills in the night air as we stood outside the house at the entrance of the gate as the party continued inside the house without noticing our small group's disappearance. Four of us - myself, Bea, Tim and Nessie began our tales of real hauntings.

Story number One: There is a house reportedly haunted in a neighborhood just a little over the other side of town where my siblings and I had went at about 10pm a month ago. Rumors has it that a family of five had been murdered in the house in this particular room which was known as the "Red Room" because of the bloody incident. As we passed by the house that night, there was an unpleasant vibe in the air as if the air itself is deprived of oxygen - a choking feeling that makes you ill. In the house itself, a huge Buddha statue stood out in the middle of the empty room. Beside it, a bell dangled to the right of it. Every evening, the lights would be switched on in the house and switched off again at midnight. Things are eerie after passing the midnight hours. The strange candle lights from the "Red Room" flickering its eerie glow would make anyone thinking of trespassing into the house think twice before doing so.

Story number Two: A house in the middle of the city, in a rich neighborhood stood out a mystery. The mystery surrounding how it happened and who the culprit is has not been solved until now - a little over 20 years later. They said a doctor lived in this house where he was found murdered - seated at the dinner table with food untouched, no signs of struggles and a knife embedded in the middle of the skull. In a spontaneous and recklessly brave decision, a group of friends and I decided to pass by the remnants of the house which had been fenced in by the city municipal council with zinc. It was still early - 9pm, but the road was dark except for scattered lamp posts. Being the rear passenger, I got to see many things compared to the driver whose job was supposed to be driving the group there and out without any incidents. We drove by slowly as the driver told us about the house and which one it was. Huge tall trees had already taken root within the house compounds and there was not much light for us to see anything else other than trees. As we drove up a small hill, the engine of the car nearly stalled. Lucky for us, my friend was able to start the engine again and we moved off into the safety of the city lights.
Story number Three: A villa in Matang - where the rich are. There was a robbery that took place within that house and which killed the whole family living there. Witnesses saw apparitions in the grounds and small baby-like imps around the house. Bea was driving down that road passing by the haunted villa to visit her friend who was living in that area. There were streetlamps lighting down that road, but on that evening, the lights were out for no particular reason. She was driving along that road at a little after 9pm alone in her car as she was passing by that house. A strange chill sent goosebumps prickling her skin all over and she was praying as hard as she could to get over her fears that she was literally shaking all over.

Story number Four: A skeletal remain of a house that was burnt to the grounds in a fire that killed a whole family in the middle of the night. Jacq (Bea's older sister) was on her way home after a Christmas gathering with her ex after midnight. They were passing by an old bridge when the car they were traveling in stalled. Her ex was trying very hard to start the engine but it wouldn't start. That was when she saw a black shape in the distance from her side mirror crawling very fast on all fours. She thought it was a huge dog, but judging by the way it was crawling she did not think so. Jacq told her ex about it and he was frantic now trying to start the engine. What made her turn could be purely on instinct, but the black figure was right outside her window. Fortunately, their car restarted and they managed to leave. The next day, Jacq called her friend asking about the area and told her friend what happened last night. Her friend told her that not too long ago, there was a family who lived in a house not far from the bridge where their car had stalled. The house was razed to the ground in a fire and there were no survivors. People passing by the area sometimes would see the black figure crawling across the road as if asking for help.

Story number Five: National Service Camp. Bea told us she was sleeping with a blindfold on as she usually does in case she wakes up in the middle of the night at an ungodly hour and stared into something she wished not to see. It was 3am and what she saw startled her. There were footsteps echoing in the dorm and she heard the metal lockers being rattled one by one. It was definitely not human because there would be a pause before the culprit moved onto the next one and so on. The speed at the lockers being rattled on was consistent as if something just passed by it. She was not the only one who had seen it happen that night - another student saw it happen too a few beds away to the end of the dorm. Other than both of them, none of the others heard anything that night.

Those were at least five stories that we shared last night during our nice chat whiling away our time outside the house in the cool night air. At least it beats sitting around inside the house thinking of nothing but the time and when will the party end. Makes you wonder if the world is really where heaven is...