2012

Two weeks into 2012 and the year is marked with loss and tragedy. There hasn't been a year that goes by without being marred by death in the family. This is the third year now. Maybe it's a sign that we're not getting any younger and that the elderly are getting older. Cherish whatever moments you still have with them be it the angry moments, happy moments or the sad moments.

In my one year absence, I have accomplished quite a number of things and traveled to a country where I never dreamed of being able to set foot on. Well, I did. Going to India last year was a major highlight. This year, I will be traveling again to Tasmania, Australia in the summer. Hopefully this will not be the last time I will visit Australia :-)

Oh, I finally got a reply from Tom K. :-P I wasn't expecting him to reply to a post that I posted out randomly in response to the video he posted. I was totally blown when I saw his reply because I was the only person that he replies to. The other girls got replies from Bill K. though. I still want Bill K. to reply to my posts but so far he hasn't. Good luck to me then, right? ;-)

Here's to a lucky year despite tragedies. Cheers! ;-)

Wings of Mercy

Another new genre inspired by my favorite twins' lyrics only with a twist :-)

~ Wings of Mercy ~ by RaQueLa M.

Here at another crossroad

Broken paths lay up ahead

My heart is at a loss

I have lost my faith

Somehow there is a light

Guiding me safely through the night

Chorus:

You help my fly on wings of mercy

Always behind me when I fall

All my burdens You carry

Through my pain and all

I sing You praises O God

On bended knee

You guide me safely through

Each stormy sea and skies

My faith in You renewed

When You opened up my eyes

You help me walk the narrow path

You gave me hope and strength

You give me wings to fly

*Chorus

Bridge:

Your endless tireless love

Is more than I deserve

For a sinner like me

When all my sins redeemed

You help me fly on wings of mercy

Always behind me when I fall

All my burdens You carry

Through my pain and all

I sing You praises O God

On bended knee

On bended knee...

~ Copyrighted ~

 

Badu Ngikis Tapak Kaki Aku

Here's a song dedicated to the notorious flirt known as Jelu Jipun. And also it's the first time I wrote a song in Iban - so be kind :-)

~ Badu Ngikis Tapak Kaki Aku ~ by RaQueLa M.

Badu ngikis, ngikis, ngikis

Ngikis tapak kaki aku

Ati pedis, pedis, pedis

Digaga nuan bakatu

Umbas, umbas, sulu badu

Ngikis tapak kaki aku

Badu, badu, badu sulu

Badu ngaga ku bakatu

Chorus:

Enti nuan agi ngikis

Tapak kaki urang indu

Bisi maia nuan ilak

Kena berus, berus, berus (repeat 2x)

Badu ngikis, ngikis, ngikis

Ngikis ati urang indu

Kumbai dik urang enda nemu pedis

Ngasai meh ke diri empu!

*Back to Chorus

~Copyrighted~

~ Silent Lullaby ~

 Silent Lullaby ~ By RaQueLa M.

Here's a lullaby
I'm singing it to you tonight
All will be all right
All is well tonight
A silent lullaby
Is singing for us tonight
I will be by your side
Two hearts beneath the same sky


When all the world around you
Seem to treat you cruel
Hold me in your thoughts
And I'll be there for you
A silent lullaby
Is singing for us tonight
I will be by your side
Two hearts beneath the same sky


Make a wish tonight
On every star so bright
I'll be there in your dreams
And you'll be there in mine
A silent lullaby
Is singing for us tonight
I will be by your side
Two hearts beneath the same sky


Bridge:
We are both looking up
Into the same sky
And singing of
The same lullaby


So close your eyes tonight
And dream of pleasant sights
I'll chase your nightmares away
With a silent lullaby...



- Copyrighted -

Note: My singing isn't perfect, so excuse me for the lousy singing.

Gawai Part 2

Ok, it's been a while and a long time due. Here's the 2nd part of what happened during that long Gawai weekend. A continuation...

31st May 2010

Woke up early at 5.00 a.m. to deafening sounds of big bangs of firecrackers. Fortunately, my room got upgraded near the staircase so the sounds got drowned off by the walls. My parents' room (a.k.a used to be my room) wasn't so lucky - it was facing the front where they were playing the firecrackers.

   Helping mom to prepare dinner at 3pm...

And the highlights of that day was games. My sis took part as 'cameraman' to get out of cooking. And the first game we had for the evening was fishing. 

    The contestants in their best hats and poles trying to catch something

   The river where we used to bathe before tap water was installed

   Familiar looking? :-) That's my cousin Rush in his 'cowboy' hat

In the end, after an hour of fishing, nobody caught anything so they had to cancel the fishing competition. Looks like the fishes ain't biting during dry season. Ehehehee! :-P

Evening time after dinner...

    Kids' Pageant wearing traditional costumes :-)

   Oh yeah... My nephew doesn't want to be left out too ;-)

    And here's my niece! :-) 

    Traditional "band boys"

  This is our "Christmas tree" laden with goodies :-)

 You gotta dance to earn your loot :-) Whatever you want, you dance for it

01 June 2010

GAWAI!!!! So now it's the official time to glutton ourselves with food and drinks.

   Grand entrance by the Chiefs... XD

   Food!! I'm sure you know what it is :-)

   Drinks are already being served at 10a.m.

    Yup, my uncle serving me just a little bit of whiskey in the morning :-)

   Grandpa (in blue) - a retired longhouse chief, and another elder :-)

The eating and drinking lasted the whole morning till 3:30p.m. compared to in my younger days when it ends by nightfall. Apparently, they appointed a time keeper so everyone won't be so tired before reaching the end of the longhouse. :-)

That evening, my sis and I got "kidnapped" by my aunt and uncle to another longhouse about 15 minutes ride by car to Tuah area to visit my grandma's cousin.

    My aunt :-)

   My uncle trying on the gongs

    These sets have been with their family for generations

   They don't make them like these anymore

   Grandma's cousin - my distant "grandpa"

So that's the end of the day that I went through in which I travel more than 400km back to the old hometown for. Fun and interesting where fashion, cuisine and culture meets in-house museum. Ahahahakz! XD

The Weekend Preceeding Gawai (Part I)

28th May 2010

Drove back to my hometown for 7 hours for the Gawai festivities. Mom and dad brought a separate car so my sis and I could travel home when we wanted to. It was a good day to travel - there wasn't any accidents occurring along the way. There were times when I had a near miss. Overall, the trip going to our destination had been fun. :-)

                                          The driver

                                           Navigator

                                          The journey...

                                          Batang Lupar bridge...

                                          Coming down the range

Reached destination at around 530pm - half an hour faster than planned.

                                           Reaching Sibu

Met up with BB at Farley area then sent our car and things to her house before going out again. Wasn't planning to meet with BB's heartthrob that evening in person because I told her a few days prior before meeting up that I don't wanna be introduced to JJ yet. Not ready to meet the person she's having such a HUGE crush on because he sounded intimidating. Of course, first meetings are a little awkward - not much were said. We sent JJ to his lecturer's place to drop off his assignment before sending him back to his home. Along the way, we introduced each other - the three of us - JJ, my sis and I. This is the first time that my sis actually met BB - all these while, she only heard me mentioning my best friend. 

After sending JJ back home, we three girls went for dinner at Farley Restaurant, where we were being served by "Toya" - a nickname my sis and I gave to the waiter with the spiky hair. Lol! Not a bad looker :p Anyways, dinner was fun when we talked about JJ and other random stuff. Hehehe...

The highlight of the evening was after we reached BB's home. Everyone took a shower after a long day, and then the party begins...AGAIN! This time, BB and I took out our guitars and we jammed together some songs we both love by our favorite band and some Christian songs. Disaster struck though at the oddest moment. BB's guitar split at the neck which caused the guitar tuning to be off every now and then :-(  She needs a new guitar. Still, we managed to have fun until after midnight. I was worried with all the playing and the singing and the laughing that we were disturbing her family's peace in the middle of the night. All the time when BB and I were jamming on our guitars, my sis was watching One Piece anime by herself.

I can't remember the exact time we decided to wrap our evening up, but I know it was way past one in the morning. It still did not end there - BB and I talked as though we have no tomorrow about random things - from politics, science, hypothetical questions and life. Lights out, we care nothing about the hour - although the moon had been full for nearly a week and the moonlight shining through the window was the only thing telling the hour, it must have been almost dawn before we stopped our conversations and fall asleep.

29th May 2010 

The next day -- went out with BB, JJ and my sis. The plan wasn't suppose to include JJ because it was supposed to be "Ladies' Only".But ---- he tagged along which was quite an extraordinary thing because gents don't usually like hanging with a crowd of girls. Anyways, we shopped around looking for shirts for my dad (I ended up buying 2 shirts for him since I couldn't decide), got a new guitar for BB and had an interesting discussion with JJ. I just love that part where he's the only one rooting for J-Bieber while all 3 ladies rooted for TH. That silenced him real good - but, like all sore losers out there, he just had to say Bujang Bajik's name in a weird way to get back at us :P

                                          On the way to town :-)
 

                                          It was already twilight when we headed back home :-)

All in all, we had fun - trying on hats and funny sunnies. The most memorable bit ----- One, two, three - Jango! :-P

30th May 2010

Final day with BB - my sis and I joined BB with her family (her mom and two nephews) to the Methodist church in the neighborhood. 

After the service and light snacks, we continued on with our shopping :-D This time, it's for shoes. Ugh... Can't help but spend it all this month.

Spontaneity Rulesz!!

Staring out onto blank sheets of paper. I can see the words forming, but I can't seem to reach that jar of inspiration. I have tunes coming out spontaneously out of my mouth, but now I can't remember any of it. I need to record myself... Only problem is, when I have a recorder sitting in front of me, I just don't have that spontaneity. GRRRRRRrrrr!!!

Dinner at Basaga...

Last night, had dinner with my family - mom, dad, my sister and myself - at Basaga, celebrating my sister's 20th birthday. It's this really WOW place in the middle of town - an old colonial like house converted into a restaurant. Great for private family dinners, hanging out with friends for a cocktail drink or just a romantic dinner for two under the canopy of shady trees and the stars (IF it doesn't rain of course). Music was a bit off for my mood as they had on Latin American music on. I resorted to correcting that by listening to my own music on my mp3 player - Kau Ilhamku by Man Bai, Belaian Jiwa by Innuendo and some other soothing music sounded really great in that setting.

We sat in the corner, on a raised platform where the koi pond runs beneath us. Bad choice of wearing heels as my heels constantly gets itself stuck in between the cracks. Yikes!! 

Food was great! I noticed that they have quite a selection of cocktail drinks, and ONE of the drink made me and my sister giggle - I bet dad knows what we're giggling at. Since we agreed not to get tipsy tonight, my sis had a Coke while I chose the not-so-famous Sprite. Mom ordered the same drinks, while dad had his Green Tea. Zzz... For dinner, dad chose to have steak while sis ordered her usual Lamb chops. Mom had an assortment of sausages with fries on the side. I just ordered something plain and simple - Spaghetti Carbonara - YUM!!!!!!! Somehow, I just had to have pasta last night for dinner.

I was just lost during dinner - not there at Basaga, but a thousand miles away it seems. There were no conversations at the table, just me and music plugged in my ears. When someone asks me a question, I would have to pull my earpiece out just to make out what they were asking or saying. Other than that, I'd rather not notice. I wasn't feeling resentful towards anything or anyone, but I just needed to be alone in my own world for a while. 

These past few days, I've been adopting a lot of 'Bujang Bajik's' characteristics which I have never done before. Not on purpose, but subconsciously. Most of his likes, dislikes and clumsiness. On that note, I've been bruised multiple times as I knocked myself accidentally on walls, or my desk. It's making me clumsy, and I'm usually graceful when it comes to carrying myself in public - something that I've been working at hard for years now. Zzzz...

One Random Thought, Two People...

Yesterday started out random, but progressed in a freaky way. Since morning, I was haunted by thoughts of 'kids' and somehow, I guess it probably is yesterday's theme. How freaky can it be when two different people from two different parts of the world are thinking of the same random thing like 'having a kid' at the same time? Ok, here's what actually happened - I was thinking of "what ifs" and the possibility of me being a mommy to a kid with 'Bujang Bajik' as the father, and low and behold the image was somehow created and I could actually see the imagination coming to life in front of my widely opened eyes.

The next day, I checked out my twitter account and found out that 'Bujang Bulak' mentioned something random that his brother 'Bujang Bajik' said - he wants a kid, "Hell no!" Bujang Bulak said. LOL!! Okay, now it kinda made my day knowing that the world still works in mysterious ways... But I DO WISH that someday... Hehehe... WE could meet... Someday.

Wah... I know this person lies, but why does my heart still have that little shred of believe?

Random thoughts...

I couldn't sleep last night. Somehow, my brain was working overtime with images that I shouldn't conjure, yet still I did. It replayed itself on loop automatically, and I did not sleep soundly as a result. Only when day breaks did I sleep and dreamed for a while. Signs that I'm sleeping is when I realize that I'm dreaming. Somehow, I can never remember what I dream about the night before.

I was watching a documentary yesterday afternoon about paranormal activities and how paranormal activities relates with different dimensions spread out in different times. Zzz... I can't explain it as well as the people who were doing the show, but should different dimensions exist, I wonder if ourselves in those different dimensions are similar to ourselves or are they different? And should one of 'us' dies in a different dimension, does it affect our present self? Will it create a ripple effect? I guess I shouldn't worry about this since I have never met any of 'myself' from a different dimension and probably never wanted to. What if they're evil like in the story "The One" with Jet Li in it?

Anyways, I'm trying to suppress what I'm feeling inside me now. The frustrations, the fears, the doubts, and not to mention the disappointment that I was dealt in the last two weeks or so. Everything's all better now both at home and in my private life. I'm trying hard not to think about certain things and focusing on the possibilities that it might hurt me so I will be ready for it when the bombshell drops on me. I guess I've always been expecting things to disappoint me so it won't hurt as bad.

Tried to play my flute after neglecting it for nearly 3 years O.O and found out that I forgot my embouchure. Zzz... Looks like I will have to re-learn it. Hopefully I can pick it up once more and play some tunes on it. I really need to occupy my mind and think less of "the twins". 

I might already have chords in mind for "Comet In My Sky" (^.^)

Original writing to "Comet In My Sky"

This is how "Comet In My Sky" began - it was originally written in my journal. Here are the word for word from the text:

Like a comet in the great sky, you pass by, lighting up my night with your presence. Even the stars stop to watch as you overshadow them with your brilliance. What a mere mortal like me could do is only see you from afar and delight in your coming. Never be able to touch and feel you. However human you state you are, you will never be JUST mere mortal to me. Partly immortalized, you are idolized by millions throughout the night. A star in your own right, never an ordinary star - and not just a shooting star. Love, you could never find from the one who sees you as who you really are. Shadow of doubts hangs like a cloud. Like a meteor falling down to Earth, it is a million to one when you finally finds a person to fall on. "Bagai bulan jatuh ke riba."

And the more macabre picture in a poem:

Meteor showers in the night

I stood alone in the empty fields

Raining me with light

I don't care if I die tonight

Here it's just me and the stars

Nobody else, just darkness and meteors

Somehow it gave me comfort

Holding me in its embrace

I can't feel myself tonight

I lost all my will to feel

Silent starry eyes watch my plight

On my wrist a thin blade of steel

You are the love I could never find

Never could have, never to hold

Like a comet brilliant in the night

The stars itself it overshadowed

I'm just a mere mortal

Looking up into the sky

I found you, now I'm a fool

For falling in love with a jewel

You are a star in your own right

Not just a star nor a shooting star

You are a comet encircling my universe

Teasing me with untouchable presence

Here, now in the dark fields

Silent tears and silent screams

I bid farewell to the stars

Bid them to watch over you wherever you are

For my arms will never reach you

Never could feel you

Never could know you

Never protect you

My final wish tonight

When this world fades from my sight

May I be turned to light

And be a star at night

This way I could be with you

Forever watching over you

Guiding you

And keep you...

Comet In My Sky

Okay, here's another lyric inspired by the word "Comet" as per discussed in our chats. Had real trouble trying to use whatever things I feel about nights and comets - seriously, never seen one - A-HAH! This is what I came up after hours of scribbling and doodling on paper -

~ Comet In My Sky ~ lyrics by RaQueLa M.

You don't know who I am

One among a thousand fans

Admiration from afar

Idolizing who you are

Fascinated and fixated

By the self you created

Chorus:

You're a comet in my sky

Lighting my world in the night

Briefly you pass me by

You're the apple of my eye

A brilliant comet passing by

A thousand miles away

You seem light years ahead

Unreasonable longing

Unbearable suffering

I exist in nothingness

Wandering through darkness

Chorus:

You're a comet in my sky

Lighting my world in the night

Briefly you pass me by

You're the apple of my eye

A brilliant comet passing by

You are inspiration

I owe it all to you

My own personal star

Shining so bright

Lighting the darkest night

My comet in the sky

- copyrighted -

Of Dreams and Meeting the "Angkasawan"

Hehehe... Yesterday have got to be the most interesting day I've ever had this month. I was feeling rather "high" on happiness because it started out with my sis telling me she had a dream the night before which she had been dying to tell me. In her dream, she saw TH coming to Cat City for a visit and that I in the dream got so excited, dragged my sister along where they will be at The Waterfront. It looked like a handicraft festival, because there were stalls along the walkway, and my sis told me that Bill was there, talking as usual to the cameraman followed by their ever loyal groupies. In her dream, the groupies weren't screaming out like the usual fans they encounter in other parts of the world. Anyways, the fans here are cool. Many people, but not screaming like hell. He was taking a look at all the beaded section and according to my sis, we were there, standing at a close distance. The best part of it all is - no bodyguards! Hahaha! And then, Bill came from behind me and my sister, puts both his hands on our shoulders (almost like a hug) and asked us, "So, what do you think of these, girls?" and gave our shoulders a squeeze. XD My sis was saying "Eeeeww" on the inside, but she says I was acting giddy like a schoolgirl :p 

That - certainly got my mood raised despite knowing that my boss would be back in the office that day. Sorry, I know this is lame, but I can't get to meet all these people that I admire in my own dreams, the closest thing to having them in mine would be for others to have them for me.

Afternoon seem to come pretty fast - by the time I left, it was 2pm and I rushed to the bank for an errand then got home as quick as I can before heading to where my sis is working for a late lunch. I spent lunch alone, sitting in a corner writing down newer lyrics into my journal that comes into my head while people watching. After that, I went to the bookstore and got myself a copy of "Basic Accounting" textbook - not much of a choice read, but a must I'm afraid. The autograph signing was scheduled to be at 5 - 6pm in front of MPH Bookstore, but they had to shift the venue to the upper floor quad because opposite the bookstore is a lingerie store. Lol. XD

I had to wait for another hour before my sis finished work at 530pm, so I went all over the mall looking at outfits to mix and match. By the time it was 530pm, I got a bad cramp on my right foot. Ouch! And I wasn't even wearing heels. :( We met friends while waiting for our turn to take an autograph with the Angkasawan, and I'm surprised that the queue at Sushi King was waaaaay longer than the queue to take pictures and autograph with the Angkasawan himself. Poor man. I guess food is more favorable compared to an astronaut. Hee!

Oh, I wasn't expecting to exchange more than just a "Hi, could you sign my journal for me" with him, but here's the transcript of our short convo:

Me: Hi, could you sign my journal for me?

Dr. Sheikh: What's your name?

Me: Rachel - R-A-C-H-E-L

Dr. Sheikh: What do you do Rachel? (as he was signing)

Me: I'm an admin clerk, but I graduate in Music

Dr. Sheikh: Really? And when did you study in U.K?

Me: ? I didn't study in the U.K., I actually went to Australia to study :)

Dr. Sheikh: Then where did you get the U.K slang from? Or is it an Australian slang?

Me: ??!! No, I don't have a slang. It's my own (*grins, takes the journal from him) Can I take a picture with you?

Dr. Sheikh: Sure.

And that's how I got his autograph and picture to grace this blog and not to mention my journal. ;-)

Here's what he wrote in my journal ;-)

And here it is - with the man himself :-)

~ Shadow Lover ~ by RaQueLa M.

I lay restless on my bed

Thoughts of you are in my head

Where are you now

Watcha doin' now

And I can't stop myself somehow

I need your attention

And please don't mention

Or make a suggestion 

For this to end

Because

I'm a shadow lover in love

Forever chasing your shadow

How far will I let this go

Obsession and pain

I lost all my senses

In love with your shadow

I'm a shadow lover

I can't believe it

The day we met

Seem somehow fated

Won't fade to black

I still can't believe it

You're still stuck in my mind

I'm not lettin' go of you this time

I need your attention

And please don't mention

Or make a suggestion

For this to end

Because

I'm a shadow lover in love

Forever chasing your shadow

How far will I let this go

Obsession and pain

I lost all my senses

In love with your shadow

I'm a shadow lover

You see

I fell for you who's on tv

Knowing it could never be

I wanna be a part of you

I need you to be a part of me

It's hard for me lettin' go

Because

I'm a shadow lover in love

Forever chasing your shadow

How far will I let this go

Obsession and pain

I lost all my senses

In love with your shadow

I'm a shadow lover

When I reach out for you
I touch only glass
Imagining how touching you
Would feel like
So I created a world out of shadows

The world of black and white

Where two shadows collide

Joined in flight

Two shadow lovers

Dissolving into ashes

Shadow lover...

-copyrighted-

I'm Only Human

I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human...

Frustrations

My first impression sucks. I may look like a heartless and snobby bitch to others on the outside, but overall, I'm still just a girl. A girl who has feelings for the world around her when it hits a weak spot. In truth, I'm scared of the world out there. Daddy's girl? Hardly, but he tries to shield his girls as best as he can.

Everyday now, as I went to work sending my dad to his office in the morning, he has been drumming into my head about being a supportive and understanding "wife" to my "future husband". Yesterday morning, he actually talked about his feelings on his sister marrying a younger man half her age. That was really frustrating - I know that the marriage won't last, I've told my aunt before when she was asking for my opinion, but if she doesn't want to take my advice on it, it's her decision to make. Dad mentioned that even if it were his siblings, if they're not acting correctly, he'll voice out what he thinks to "check and balance" his family. Then he moved directly to the dreaded topic - M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E. I was already on automatic snooze when he said the word "marry", but it hits a sensitive topic when he mentioned "Don't marry a younger man, just to score points." I'm like !!!!!!

Where did he get the notion that I'll marry a younger guy? FYI dad - I'm not dating anyone, nor have I ever been out with anyone before because of You and Mom! I respect the rules you implemented on me for the past 15 years where You said "No dating with boys when you're in school while you're under my roof." Guess what - You win! I'm on the losing end - both socially, and mentally. I can't win if You start comparing me with my cousins like you always do since I'm young. Why me? Why did you have to compare me with them? Why not the youngest? Why not your boy? And why is it only NOW that You're talking to me? For the past 3 years, I can't even talk to You without having to mention Your Boy's name in the conversation for You to answer me back with actual interest to the conversation. That's when I said FORGET IT. I actually gave up on SPEAKING to You ever since.

Now that You're speaking to me, I don't think I want to listen. I can't take back what I lost in life - TIME. Tell me if losing your youth is not worth crying over.

Come Take Me Away...

Here's something new that I'm trying to write. Currently, this is how I feel - what with all the turbulence at home and being caught on neutral grounds which happens to be in the middle of the crossfire. Dreaming of my imaginary prince coming to take me away...

~"Come Take Me Away"~ Lyrics by RaQueLa V.

Lost in my thoughts

I stare out the window

The world passes by

What do they know

They only see

The little girl me

Staring widely

While my heart bleeds

Talks around me

Feeding me poison

Little by little

My faith lay broken

We could run away

If you come here someday

Come take me away

Come take me away

*Chorus:

Take me away from here

Far away from here

Anywhere but here

Where it's just you and me

Just you and me

Where we belong

I shut my eyes

I see you there

Reaching out, I

Touch only air

You are mine

We could run away

If you come here someday

Come take me away

*Chorus

From this pain

From these lies

Never again

Can you hear me

Save me, come and take me away

Take me away from here

Far, far away from here

Anywhere else but here

Where it's just you and me

Just you and me

Where we belong

Finally...

Caught In the Middle...

Sometimes, I would wish I'm an immortal - no need to have food for sustenance. Thoughts of dying scares me sometimes, especially when you don't know what's life like beyond the living. 

Mom and dad are at it again - it began in the car yesterday on our way home from fetching dad from work. Luckily, both my sister and I have our own distractions. We plugged up and e-voided their arguments in the car by listening to music. I listened to my mp3 player while my sis listened to her own music through her iPod. They both have their own points which needed to be thought over.

They were still talking in loud voices when we reached home, so my sis and I hid in my room trying not to listen. When we could no longer take it, I took the car and spirited us away for awhile to the nearest place where we could have our dinner in peace - The Shopping Mall.That was where we stayed until I feel it was safe enough to go home.

I guess there's just no ending when it comes to this. People say things they don't mean at one point and they don't realize it. There's no taking back words though. It's not like you can undo what you said.

A penny for your thoughts...

Another random post about a few things - first up, I'm not so crazy anymore (Thank God!), second of all - I can control my thoughts now by silencing it all up with music (not so great), and third - I'm wishing I have a fun life.

I'm probably the most boring person on Earth - I only have maybe a few friends whom I usually get in contact with (one bff where I'm currently residing and another back in my original hometown). Yes, I feel blessed with their presence because who would I be without them? The rest on my friends' list were all schoolmates, and I regret it that we all drifted apart against time. Seriously, I can't imagine how my life would be like without any social contact at all. After all, humans are made to reach out to one another and have other people in their life no matter how solitary a life it may be.

I could be the worst possible girlfriend to any guys out there - so far I have never dated anyone. BUT, if I ever did managed to secure a day for a "date" I'd probably end up ditching the date altogether because I'm too afraid to show up looking like how I am. I can't get on good terms with myself because I can't get past the negative thoughts drummed into me since I was a child. Comparison is like poison to me. 

Taking two weeks ago into perspective - actually, the craze for Billy began before my brother went back to Tasmania in February. It means that I've been cheating in my thoughts for Jack R (another imaginary boyfriend :p). So far, I only got 3 consecutive dreams of Bill for 3 nights in a row before they all vanish altogether. There's just no explaining why or how I could be so crazy into Billy or Jack. I don't dream of Billy anymore, and neither do I dream of Jack as well. It seems that I cocooned myself from all thoughts of them because I know I won't be able to have them in my real life :( Rather than spoil my life fawning over them, I have to let them go - as what I always do to others that I... Nobody cares if I cried my heart out. Nobody listens to my heart.

A few days ago, on the edge of reason and turmoil from another string of negative mental attacks, I felt that same familiar voice who told me that there's someone better for me out there. I was thinking of how lacking I was in my looks compared to my beautiful cousins, friends and my sis - I said to myself I endure all this pain with patience - when the voice told me "Your beauties". Enduring all this with patience is my beauty? Who knew that beauty goes further than just looks? Hidden maybe, like a treasure to be searched and uncovered.

Now, I'm facing another dilemma - Should I go there at the end of this month just to satisfy my heart to see him? When I needed to forget these feelings, something, someone or just plain old serendipity would just pull me back to him and the craze begins all over again...Zzzzz... Maybe it's not my time yet to forget him.

Sometimes, in my most macabre thoughts I often wish that I was dying. Dying seem to be a sweet escape from emotional turmoil. Better now when I'm single than when I have a family of my own. I'd rather not have anyone that I love being put into great agony over my passing. Could anyone really die of heartbreak? I haven't seen it done before except for the thing called suicide. Suicide is definitely out of the question :-p

Looks like I just have to ride out this storm. You - you're my ONE and ONLY thrill at the moment HAH!! :-p

Another Collection of Heartbreak

Come join me in heartbreak,
One after another,
Walking alone day by day,
Walking through the fire.


Release me from pain,
Release me from hurt,
Don't wanna go through that again,
I need you out of my blood.


I wished that I was dead long before I met you,
So I'd be spared the heartache of losing you,
I'd rather not be born into this world,
If I'd know it would be so cruel.


Cut my heart open now,
Slowly, letting me bleed killing me alive,
Feel the death of eternal pain,
Leaving me empty, hollow and numb.