Of Dreams and Meeting the "Angkasawan"

Hehehe... Yesterday have got to be the most interesting day I've ever had this month. I was feeling rather "high" on happiness because it started out with my sis telling me she had a dream the night before which she had been dying to tell me. In her dream, she saw TH coming to Cat City for a visit and that I in the dream got so excited, dragged my sister along where they will be at The Waterfront. It looked like a handicraft festival, because there were stalls along the walkway, and my sis told me that Bill was there, talking as usual to the cameraman followed by their ever loyal groupies. In her dream, the groupies weren't screaming out like the usual fans they encounter in other parts of the world. Anyways, the fans here are cool. Many people, but not screaming like hell. He was taking a look at all the beaded section and according to my sis, we were there, standing at a close distance. The best part of it all is - no bodyguards! Hahaha! And then, Bill came from behind me and my sister, puts both his hands on our shoulders (almost like a hug) and asked us, "So, what do you think of these, girls?" and gave our shoulders a squeeze. XD My sis was saying "Eeeeww" on the inside, but she says I was acting giddy like a schoolgirl :p 

That - certainly got my mood raised despite knowing that my boss would be back in the office that day. Sorry, I know this is lame, but I can't get to meet all these people that I admire in my own dreams, the closest thing to having them in mine would be for others to have them for me.

Afternoon seem to come pretty fast - by the time I left, it was 2pm and I rushed to the bank for an errand then got home as quick as I can before heading to where my sis is working for a late lunch. I spent lunch alone, sitting in a corner writing down newer lyrics into my journal that comes into my head while people watching. After that, I went to the bookstore and got myself a copy of "Basic Accounting" textbook - not much of a choice read, but a must I'm afraid. The autograph signing was scheduled to be at 5 - 6pm in front of MPH Bookstore, but they had to shift the venue to the upper floor quad because opposite the bookstore is a lingerie store. Lol. XD

I had to wait for another hour before my sis finished work at 530pm, so I went all over the mall looking at outfits to mix and match. By the time it was 530pm, I got a bad cramp on my right foot. Ouch! And I wasn't even wearing heels. :( We met friends while waiting for our turn to take an autograph with the Angkasawan, and I'm surprised that the queue at Sushi King was waaaaay longer than the queue to take pictures and autograph with the Angkasawan himself. Poor man. I guess food is more favorable compared to an astronaut. Hee!

Oh, I wasn't expecting to exchange more than just a "Hi, could you sign my journal for me" with him, but here's the transcript of our short convo:

Me: Hi, could you sign my journal for me?

Dr. Sheikh: What's your name?

Me: Rachel - R-A-C-H-E-L

Dr. Sheikh: What do you do Rachel? (as he was signing)

Me: I'm an admin clerk, but I graduate in Music

Dr. Sheikh: Really? And when did you study in U.K?

Me: ? I didn't study in the U.K., I actually went to Australia to study :)

Dr. Sheikh: Then where did you get the U.K slang from? Or is it an Australian slang?

Me: ??!! No, I don't have a slang. It's my own (*grins, takes the journal from him) Can I take a picture with you?

Dr. Sheikh: Sure.

And that's how I got his autograph and picture to grace this blog and not to mention my journal. ;-)

Here's what he wrote in my journal ;-)

And here it is - with the man himself :-)

~ Shadow Lover ~ by RaQueLa M.

I lay restless on my bed

Thoughts of you are in my head

Where are you now

Watcha doin' now

And I can't stop myself somehow

I need your attention

And please don't mention

Or make a suggestion 

For this to end

Because

I'm a shadow lover in love

Forever chasing your shadow

How far will I let this go

Obsession and pain

I lost all my senses

In love with your shadow

I'm a shadow lover

I can't believe it

The day we met

Seem somehow fated

Won't fade to black

I still can't believe it

You're still stuck in my mind

I'm not lettin' go of you this time

I need your attention

And please don't mention

Or make a suggestion

For this to end

Because

I'm a shadow lover in love

Forever chasing your shadow

How far will I let this go

Obsession and pain

I lost all my senses

In love with your shadow

I'm a shadow lover

You see

I fell for you who's on tv

Knowing it could never be

I wanna be a part of you

I need you to be a part of me

It's hard for me lettin' go

Because

I'm a shadow lover in love

Forever chasing your shadow

How far will I let this go

Obsession and pain

I lost all my senses

In love with your shadow

I'm a shadow lover

When I reach out for you
I touch only glass
Imagining how touching you
Would feel like
So I created a world out of shadows

The world of black and white

Where two shadows collide

Joined in flight

Two shadow lovers

Dissolving into ashes

Shadow lover...

-copyrighted-

I'm Only Human

I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human - I'm only human...

Frustrations

My first impression sucks. I may look like a heartless and snobby bitch to others on the outside, but overall, I'm still just a girl. A girl who has feelings for the world around her when it hits a weak spot. In truth, I'm scared of the world out there. Daddy's girl? Hardly, but he tries to shield his girls as best as he can.

Everyday now, as I went to work sending my dad to his office in the morning, he has been drumming into my head about being a supportive and understanding "wife" to my "future husband". Yesterday morning, he actually talked about his feelings on his sister marrying a younger man half her age. That was really frustrating - I know that the marriage won't last, I've told my aunt before when she was asking for my opinion, but if she doesn't want to take my advice on it, it's her decision to make. Dad mentioned that even if it were his siblings, if they're not acting correctly, he'll voice out what he thinks to "check and balance" his family. Then he moved directly to the dreaded topic - M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E. I was already on automatic snooze when he said the word "marry", but it hits a sensitive topic when he mentioned "Don't marry a younger man, just to score points." I'm like !!!!!!

Where did he get the notion that I'll marry a younger guy? FYI dad - I'm not dating anyone, nor have I ever been out with anyone before because of You and Mom! I respect the rules you implemented on me for the past 15 years where You said "No dating with boys when you're in school while you're under my roof." Guess what - You win! I'm on the losing end - both socially, and mentally. I can't win if You start comparing me with my cousins like you always do since I'm young. Why me? Why did you have to compare me with them? Why not the youngest? Why not your boy? And why is it only NOW that You're talking to me? For the past 3 years, I can't even talk to You without having to mention Your Boy's name in the conversation for You to answer me back with actual interest to the conversation. That's when I said FORGET IT. I actually gave up on SPEAKING to You ever since.

Now that You're speaking to me, I don't think I want to listen. I can't take back what I lost in life - TIME. Tell me if losing your youth is not worth crying over.

Come Take Me Away...

Here's something new that I'm trying to write. Currently, this is how I feel - what with all the turbulence at home and being caught on neutral grounds which happens to be in the middle of the crossfire. Dreaming of my imaginary prince coming to take me away...

~"Come Take Me Away"~ Lyrics by RaQueLa V.

Lost in my thoughts

I stare out the window

The world passes by

What do they know

They only see

The little girl me

Staring widely

While my heart bleeds

Talks around me

Feeding me poison

Little by little

My faith lay broken

We could run away

If you come here someday

Come take me away

Come take me away

*Chorus:

Take me away from here

Far away from here

Anywhere but here

Where it's just you and me

Just you and me

Where we belong

I shut my eyes

I see you there

Reaching out, I

Touch only air

You are mine

We could run away

If you come here someday

Come take me away

*Chorus

From this pain

From these lies

Never again

Can you hear me

Save me, come and take me away

Take me away from here

Far, far away from here

Anywhere else but here

Where it's just you and me

Just you and me

Where we belong

Finally...

Caught In the Middle...

Sometimes, I would wish I'm an immortal - no need to have food for sustenance. Thoughts of dying scares me sometimes, especially when you don't know what's life like beyond the living. 

Mom and dad are at it again - it began in the car yesterday on our way home from fetching dad from work. Luckily, both my sister and I have our own distractions. We plugged up and e-voided their arguments in the car by listening to music. I listened to my mp3 player while my sis listened to her own music through her iPod. They both have their own points which needed to be thought over.

They were still talking in loud voices when we reached home, so my sis and I hid in my room trying not to listen. When we could no longer take it, I took the car and spirited us away for awhile to the nearest place where we could have our dinner in peace - The Shopping Mall.That was where we stayed until I feel it was safe enough to go home.

I guess there's just no ending when it comes to this. People say things they don't mean at one point and they don't realize it. There's no taking back words though. It's not like you can undo what you said.

A penny for your thoughts...

Another random post about a few things - first up, I'm not so crazy anymore (Thank God!), second of all - I can control my thoughts now by silencing it all up with music (not so great), and third - I'm wishing I have a fun life.

I'm probably the most boring person on Earth - I only have maybe a few friends whom I usually get in contact with (one bff where I'm currently residing and another back in my original hometown). Yes, I feel blessed with their presence because who would I be without them? The rest on my friends' list were all schoolmates, and I regret it that we all drifted apart against time. Seriously, I can't imagine how my life would be like without any social contact at all. After all, humans are made to reach out to one another and have other people in their life no matter how solitary a life it may be.

I could be the worst possible girlfriend to any guys out there - so far I have never dated anyone. BUT, if I ever did managed to secure a day for a "date" I'd probably end up ditching the date altogether because I'm too afraid to show up looking like how I am. I can't get on good terms with myself because I can't get past the negative thoughts drummed into me since I was a child. Comparison is like poison to me. 

Taking two weeks ago into perspective - actually, the craze for Billy began before my brother went back to Tasmania in February. It means that I've been cheating in my thoughts for Jack R (another imaginary boyfriend :p). So far, I only got 3 consecutive dreams of Bill for 3 nights in a row before they all vanish altogether. There's just no explaining why or how I could be so crazy into Billy or Jack. I don't dream of Billy anymore, and neither do I dream of Jack as well. It seems that I cocooned myself from all thoughts of them because I know I won't be able to have them in my real life :( Rather than spoil my life fawning over them, I have to let them go - as what I always do to others that I... Nobody cares if I cried my heart out. Nobody listens to my heart.

A few days ago, on the edge of reason and turmoil from another string of negative mental attacks, I felt that same familiar voice who told me that there's someone better for me out there. I was thinking of how lacking I was in my looks compared to my beautiful cousins, friends and my sis - I said to myself I endure all this pain with patience - when the voice told me "Your beauties". Enduring all this with patience is my beauty? Who knew that beauty goes further than just looks? Hidden maybe, like a treasure to be searched and uncovered.

Now, I'm facing another dilemma - Should I go there at the end of this month just to satisfy my heart to see him? When I needed to forget these feelings, something, someone or just plain old serendipity would just pull me back to him and the craze begins all over again...Zzzzz... Maybe it's not my time yet to forget him.

Sometimes, in my most macabre thoughts I often wish that I was dying. Dying seem to be a sweet escape from emotional turmoil. Better now when I'm single than when I have a family of my own. I'd rather not have anyone that I love being put into great agony over my passing. Could anyone really die of heartbreak? I haven't seen it done before except for the thing called suicide. Suicide is definitely out of the question :-p

Looks like I just have to ride out this storm. You - you're my ONE and ONLY thrill at the moment HAH!! :-p

Another Collection of Heartbreak

Come join me in heartbreak,
One after another,
Walking alone day by day,
Walking through the fire.


Release me from pain,
Release me from hurt,
Don't wanna go through that again,
I need you out of my blood.


I wished that I was dead long before I met you,
So I'd be spared the heartache of losing you,
I'd rather not be born into this world,
If I'd know it would be so cruel.


Cut my heart open now,
Slowly, letting me bleed killing me alive,
Feel the death of eternal pain,
Leaving me empty, hollow and numb.

Falling for the wrong guy

It is a lonely walk when one is always trying to be different. Most of the time, this is how she feels. Recently, she knew that she had in fact fallen - again - in love. Or is it just another massive crush, like the others? For the past two weeks or so, the feelings started all over again. Over taking her by surprise, slamming her heartbeat all around, and making her blush like a giddy schoolgirl whenever she sees a picture or just the very mention of the name.


Indeed, he is a beautiful man. A child compared to her years, yet, a man nonetheless. Four years younger than herself, but possessing a certain wisdom in him. It had been his wisdom which intrigued her in the first place - not just the mere human shell he was wrapped in and presented in this world. His looks were a bonus.

And she writes a heartfelt note for the boys who had given her the desire to begin writing again:

Liebe Jungen, wünsche ich Ihnen meine ganze Liebe von diesem Teil der Welt. Ich hoffe, dass wir uns eines Tages treffen und dass wir große Freunde werden können. Fürs Erste kann ich Ihnen meine einfache Freundschaft nur anbieten. Mit meinem ganzem Herzen und Seele gebe ich Ihnen meinen Segen in der Musik. Liebe, Rachel.

It said:
Dear boys, I wish you all my love from this part of the world. I hope that we will meet someday, and that we can become great friends. For now, I can only offer you my simple friendship. With all my heart and soul, I give you my blessings in music. Love, Rachel.